Rose ツ
Experienced Warrior
IvyClan Deputy[M0n:-33]
Suncloud- IvyClan Deputy
Posts: 441
|
Post by Rose ツ on Jan 31, 2011 14:55:36 GMT -8
What?
|
|
|
Post by NinjaEspy on Jan 31, 2011 15:05:23 GMT -8
I didn't like it cause it wasn't like good story making. I strongly disagree. I think it was amazing. The use of detail was just right, and she used the right words for explaining things. Each paragraph is a good length, and the prologue wasn't too long, nor too short. And plus, that's not a good enough reason to not like it. And a "good beginning and bad everything else" isn't enough, either. What specifically did you not like? ~~~ Oh, and btw, Rae -- the banner for the story is amazing roignaeg <33333333 You can get the feeling of what it means.
|
|
|
Post by Knuckles|Pr3yLicous on Jan 31, 2011 15:18:03 GMT -8
D: You all hate me. I can't explain it. D: I just don't like it.
|
|
Rose ツ
Experienced Warrior
IvyClan Deputy[M0n:-33]
Suncloud- IvyClan Deputy
Posts: 441
|
Post by Rose ツ on Jan 31, 2011 15:24:12 GMT -8
D: You all hate me. I can't explain it. D: I just don't like it. Thats okay; we just wants reasons. Was it the beginning, middle, or ending? Was it the description, or something else?
|
|
|
Post by Raven on Jan 31, 2011 16:46:04 GMT -8
Chapter 1
I was quite the odd kit - my markings were very unusual, not just for a kit but for any cat. I had tabby blue-gray fur the color of damp pebbles. My markings were a brilliant silver, the color of a full moon at the height of a Gathering, and some resembled the moon when it shrinks to a claw-scratch in the sky. My tail had numerous rings of silver and ended in a white tip, like a snow-capped mountain. It was short for a Clan cat's but long for a Tribe cat's.
But perhaps my most unusual trait was my eye color. When I was a kit, my eyes were a striking bright purple color. They dimmed to a color which was closer to indigo than to purple as I aged, but they still remain with a trace of that shining purple.
The first time I opened my violet eyes, it was under that same yellow light as when I blacked out in the blizzard, but slightly dimmer. I was laying on some sort of soft substance, similar to a kit's soft fur, but not quite as nice-smelling. As my vision became less blurred, I was able to see that it was a very bright pink color and had striking, yet soft, white spots that dappled its surface, like leaves dappling the earth with shadows in the heat of greenleaf.
On either side of me rose a curved wall built of a substance that appeared similar to brambles, but not quite as prickly. It was a brown, almost golden color, the same color as dried bracken leaves or fallen pine needles. The wall was cut away on one side, revealing what is known to clan cats as a twoleg nest. Everything was so huge!
Well, in reality, it was quite a small nest, but to me it seemed the largest thing in existence. My ears pricked up instinctively, and I glanced around quickly, but could not detect any movement with my slowly developing eyesight. Slowly, I somehow managed to drag myself to the edge of the soft pink pelt, over to where the bramble-wall was cut away. Being the curious kit I was, I began peering out over the wall.
Nothing interesting happened, so I started reaching my paws out to see if I would get anything to react in some way to them. And finally, feeling braver, I set one of my forepaws down onto the slippery, ice-like surface that was the floor. Clumsily as a newborn kit and not knowing yet how to walk, what could I do but fall flat on my face? I did, and it was painful. But it wasn't nearly as bad as the burning frost and chill winds I had survived.
Suddenly, I heard a loud noise. I suppose it might have been a twoleg yowling. Whatever it was, it startled me, and I began frantically flailing my paws, trying to struggle over to a sheltered spot where I wouldn't get spotted, but it was too late. A female twoleg stood towering over me, then scooped me up and walked over to a tall, flat-topped rock and set me down on top.
I didn't have the slightest idea of what she was doing, but it soon I realized that she must have been about to feed me. She took a clear, round container which was filled with warm milk, then gently carried me up in her forepaws and let me lap the contents from the container.
After finishing the milk, I soon grew tired. The female twoleg seemed to notice this, and she carried me back over to the pink-and-white pelt surrounded by the bramble-walls. When she set me down, I yawned sleepily, then curled up into a soft ball of fur and closed my eyes, letting myself drift off into a deep, somewhat contented sleep.
My dreams were strikingly vivid. I kept seeing the dark figure of what I took to be my mother, carrying me across endless plains, across frozen rivers, across moors dancing with frozen dew. She carried me up and down steep precipices, ridges, and leaped over a wide chasm. Through the frigid winds and the harsh blizzard, the most intense of any leaf-bare snows that a kit might hear clan elders telling of. All the while, she just kept running and running. It may have been an illusion, but I was sure I saw a shadowed figure chasing her. Hunting her. No, hunting me.
When at last it seemed like she had lost her foe among the blizzard, she panted, exhausted, but did not stop for a rest. She didn't want to set me down for fear of the cold killing me. She finally came along to a twoleg nest, then felt her legs finally failing her. Her supporting grip on my scruff slackened, then she took one last breath of frozen air and set me down on the stone slab in front of the nest and let go of her dwindling life.
Cats don't often remember their days as kits, nor do they often remember any pain or suffering they received at their early stages. I was different. What other kits have been betrayed during their earliest stages and lived to tell the tale? What kits even learn the tales of their betrayals?
|
|
|
Post by NinjaEspy on Jan 31, 2011 16:48:40 GMT -8
grefaogbfmedambgegmbea
so. much. epicness. <3333333333333 I love your style of writing.
|
|
Rose ツ
Experienced Warrior
IvyClan Deputy[M0n:-33]
Suncloud- IvyClan Deputy
Posts: 441
|
Post by Rose ツ on Jan 31, 2011 16:50:19 GMT -8
That. Was. Amazing. ~Rose
|
|
Familiar
Head Warrior
IvyClan Leader BreezeClan Med. Cat Honorary Warrior[M0n:468]
May StarClan light your path.[D3v:HeyShowtune]
Posts: 305
|
Post by Familiar on Jan 31, 2011 16:54:33 GMT -8
In line 8: "They dimmed to color closer. . . ." and in the last paragraph, "Kits don't often remember their days as kits. . . ." Typos? Other than that, I can't find anything wrong with it. If I had to give any general advice, I'd say to make the description in paragraph one shorter. Great chapter, Rae. I'm looking forward to seeing more; Lunar's history is so interesting.
|
|
|
Post by Raven on Jan 31, 2011 17:00:59 GMT -8
@espy: Tyvm, Espy! <3333 Rose ツ: Thanks! Familiar: Yes, both were typos. Thank you for catching those; I've fixed them! ^^ I also separated the first paragraph into two paragraphs to make it easier to read. Thank you, by the way. :3
|
|
|
Post by Knuckles|Pr3yLicous on Jan 31, 2011 17:02:36 GMT -8
It has alot of despriction but didn't really go anywhere.
|
|
|
Post by Raven on Jan 31, 2011 17:06:07 GMT -8
@knux: I have to agree that it doesn't really get anywhere, but that was done purposely. What seems like nothing to us can be a big adventure for a kit.. xD But basically, she doesn't get anywhere while she's in the twoleg nest. That will all be cleared up by the end of Chapter 2 or 3, I think?
|
|
Familiar
Head Warrior
IvyClan Leader BreezeClan Med. Cat Honorary Warrior[M0n:468]
May StarClan light your path.[D3v:HeyShowtune]
Posts: 305
|
Post by Familiar on Jan 31, 2011 17:06:26 GMT -8
@raven: Oh, no problem Rae; it was my pleasure. xD I beta fanfic for a few people, so I couldn't resist.
|
|
Falling Star
Warrior of StarClan
BreezeClan Med. Cat[M0n:-30]
Retired from her moderating job.
Posts: 494
|
Post by Falling Star on Jan 31, 2011 17:20:23 GMT -8
Amazing!
|
|
|
Post by Raven on Jan 31, 2011 18:22:43 GMT -8
@star: Thanks! ^^
|
|
Rose ツ
Experienced Warrior
IvyClan Deputy[M0n:-33]
Suncloud- IvyClan Deputy
Posts: 441
|
Post by Rose ツ on Feb 4, 2011 16:53:38 GMT -8
Bump. When is the next chapter coming out?
|
|