Falling Star
Warrior of StarClan
BreezeClan Med. Cat[M0n:-30]
Retired from her moderating job.
Posts: 494
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Post by Falling Star on Feb 26, 2011 17:19:37 GMT -8
Seems great so far! Can't wait to read more!
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Post by Knuckles|Pr3yLicous on Jun 30, 2011 12:13:03 GMT -8
Chapter 5 Part 2 Rainpaw’s POV Are the clans going to fight? I know I’m not perfect at the Warrior Code, but I do know that the gathering is a time of peace. I was looking around slowly moving my head from my clan to Ivyclan and back to my clan. “What is going on…?” Goldenfur whispered, I looked at him, “We are about to fight but nothing has happened to the moon, not even a cloud the size of a mouse-length.” I looked up in the sky. He was right; it is as if Starclan doesn’t care if we tear each other’s fur off. Maybe we aren’t going to fight; I hoped and hoped that we wouldn’t fight. But the rest of gathering slowly inched by but it ended without one fight. As the cats were leaving some words of disapproval were spread but no claw was unsheathed. “Rainpaw go get some fresh kill for the elders for the night, and then you are free to go to sleep.” Rainheart said to her apprentice, I nodded and jumped to the fresh kill pile I picked out a fresh squirrel from the pile and brought it to Brambleshadow in the elders den, “Fresh kill for you Brambleshadow!” Rainpaw hollered when she entered the elders den. “You don’t need to shout, and did anything interesting happen at the gathering?” Brambleshadow asked, “No not really just the tension between our clan and Ivyclan after the fight. We almost fought but all was good.” Rainpaw replied, “Good, good. Now let me sleep.” Brambleshadow said, Rainpaw nodded and scampered outside. I spotted Runningpaw, and Hawkpaw eating a rabbit together. I got myself a mouse and padded over to them, “Nice to see us together again,” I said as a sat down, Runningpaw nodded, and Hawkpaw gave a look of agreement; I started to bite into my mouse, “Finally thick prey which was warm and big, when green leaf comes prey will be even better.” I thought to myself, I gulped down the rest of my mouse and got up. Runningpaw got up also, “I’m going to go to my nest, anyone else wants to come?” I asked, “Sorry we can’t I have moonhigh patrol and Runningpaw has a pre-dawn patrol, Hawkstar will announce what extra patrols will be at dawn.” Hawkpaw said, I looked up at the sky and saw it was almost moonhigh, “Well you better get going to Hawkstar, it’s almost moonhigh.” Hawkpaw nodded and bounded away, I turned and walked back to the apprentice den and curled up in my nest, I can’t wait for dawn for all my patrols.
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Post by lightning on Jun 30, 2011 12:58:13 GMT -8
Nice! I can't wait until I come in.
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Post by Knuckles|Pr3yLicous on Aug 25, 2011 14:05:51 GMT -8
Chapter 5 Part 3 Runningpaw’s POV It was just past moonhigh was tiny flakes of snow tapping on the ground making the ground become wet with frost but it was comfortable with little wind. The moonhigh patrol just left featuring, Hawkpaw, Hawkstar, Streampaw, Moonmist and Goldenfur. I heard that Streampaw might be getting an assessment soon, I hope she well on it. I was sitting on the out skirts of camp between the rock tunnel and thorn tunnel watch falkes of snow fall on a leaf and watch them slowly melt away. With the early stages of new leaf this would be probably one of last snow until leafbare comes once more with more snow and more hardships. But since this was the last I was enjoying this snow to the fullest, until a noise caught my attention. A rustling in the leaves ahead of me that urged me to unsheathe my claws but I realized that it was a cat, I couldn’t see who it was because of all the darkness, but when they came closer I saw it was Streampaw, a brown she cat with white chest and white paws. “Runningpaw I’m glad I found someone-“ I cut her off, “Wait aren’t you supposed to be on patrol?” I asked, “That’s what I was going talk about! We got chased by dogs! I think I lost one but we need to move, now.”
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Post by Raven on Aug 26, 2011 18:53:31 GMT -8
Just finished re-reading your story, so I'm back up to date. Nice to see you're working on it again - I can't wait to see where you take this chapter! In terms of improvement, you can try double-spacing between paragraphs to increase readability (as you can't indent paragraphs on this forum).
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Seastar
Head Warrior
BreezeClan Leader[M0n:-838]
The Clans will live on.[D3v:sarCAsum0]
Posts: 401
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Post by Seastar on Aug 29, 2011 6:09:51 GMT -8
I agree with Rae. The only problem I have with it is that it tends to be in huge chunks that doesn't look so good on the eyes.
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Post by Knuckles|Pr3yLicous on Sept 1, 2011 14:29:38 GMT -8
Earlier post was a preview, I made it alot longer.
Chapter 5 Part 3
Runningpaw’s POV
It was just past moonhigh was tiny flakes of snow tapping on the ground making the ground become wet with frost but it was comfortable with little wind.
The moonhigh patrol just left featuring, Hawkpaw, Hawkstar, Streampaw, Moonmist and Goldenfur. I heard that Streampaw might be getting an assessment soon, I hope she well on it. I was sitting on the out skirts of camp between the rock tunnel and thorn tunnel watch falkes of snow fall on a leaf and watch them slowly melt away. With the early stages of new leaf this would be probably one of last snow until leafbare comes once more with more snow and more hardships. But since this was the last I was enjoying this snow to the fullest, until a noise caught my attention. A rustling in the leaves ahead of me that urged me to unsheathe my claws but I realized that it was a cat, I couldn’t see who it was because of all the darkness, but when they came closer I saw it was Streampaw, a brown she cat with white chest and white paws. “Runningpaw I’m glad I found someone-“ I cut her off, “Wait aren’t you supposed to be on patrol?” I asked, “That’s what I was going talk about! We got chased by dogs! I think I lost one but we need to move, now.”
We ran from camp so the dog wouldn’t find injured and young cats who can’t run or defend themselves. I was oddly calm I could clear hear the dog and I could feel my heart racing, blood pounding, it was… exhilarating. I felt myself sprinting faster harder eventually I couldn’t hear nothing except the poundingof my heart everything was a blur. I started to slow down and look around for Streampaw I saw her in a bush covered in blood I came up to her and I realized none of blood was her own, it smelled of Ivyclan and something else that I couldn’t make out. I started to drag her back to camp, I was hoping to get back before my patrol left. When I got to camp I brought her to Starflight’s den, “I, er, found her covered in blood but it wasn’t her own,” I set her down gently, I hope she’s okay. I found my mentor, Goldenfur, who had just gone on a patrol but asked to go with me, Bramblenose, and Rainpelt. We headed over to Ivyclan’s border which has been freshly marked by both clans. It smells like Ivyclan was just here we just missed them, luckily, I didn’t want to fight, I’m already tired from running. Once we had marked our border we did a little hunting, I scented, a squirrel, I followed the scent of it, I saw the squirrel in some tall grass. I had to sneak through the grass, bugs where everywhere I was about to get to it but I fell in a hole. I looked around I realized it was the hole that I fell in as a kit, going towards Breezeclan territory. I hopped out; I forgot to tell anyone about the tunnels. Next time I see Hawkpaw and Rainpaw, I will remind them of the tunnels, but for now I’m going to Streampaw.
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Seastar
Head Warrior
BreezeClan Leader[M0n:-838]
The Clans will live on.[D3v:sarCAsum0]
Posts: 401
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Post by Seastar on Sept 1, 2011 14:50:41 GMT -8
Great job! Though I found that you switched between tenses a lot and there's still a lot of run-on sentences (even if they are separated by commas).
"It smells like Ivyclan was just here we just missed them, luckily, I didn’t want to fight, I’m already tired from running."
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